Why Isn't There Anyone Who Understands?

Fuck everyone. And their attempts to understand what I'm going through. You don't. So stop acting like it. I'm not okay. Don't ask me if I am. Don't make me say it. Don't make me reach up to you when I'm on the ground. Don't make me break down. Don't make it harder than it is already. Don't write me off. And Don't say you'll be there If you can't. Don't do anything. Anymore.

"Bad Day" Doesn't Even Describe It.

Whenever I hear someone complaining about their "bad day" I can't help but roll my eyes. I know that's incredibly pretentious of me. Of course I cannot make assumptions that I know my day was worse than theirs, that my life has been worse than theirs....but I can tell you one thing with certainty: my life has been more difficult than most. And every day that I wake up recently, is a bad day. How can you expect someone to have a "good day" when they are plagued with flashbacks and memories of sexual abuse and rape? My definition of a "good day" is one where I don't get caught up in those thoughts. A day where, for one brief moment, I feel genuinely happy. Of course, that moment is fleeting. As soon as I begin to feel any shred of happiness or joy wash over me, I find some way to ruin it. Why? It's uncomfortable. Yeah. You heard me. UNCOMFORTABLE. It's uncomfortable to be happy. How pathetic is that? I thought for sure that this meant I was certifiably crazy. But my therapist convinced me otherwise. So, what's the answer? Simply put: I've been taught (through these abusive experiences) that my purpose in life is to make other people happy. My happiness doesn't matter. Everyone else's does. And that's exactly how I've come to behave. I don't do things for myself any more. I will bend over backwards for you or anyone else, but at the end of the day if I need something....that doesn't matter. This explains a lot. It's why I constantly say "yes" to others' requests even at the expense of something I need to do for myself, I constantly make sure that I'm not hurting other people's feelings, I'm worried if people are mad at me, and on and on. The really f**ked up thing is: I don't know how to change this. I don't know how to realize that my purpose in life is to be happy. Not to "make others happy," but to be happy. For myself. How do you just suddenly start making yourself happy when you've never done this before? And you even feel extreme amounts of guilt for doing something that makes you happy? How are you supposed to cope with that? I don't know how long it will take, but I pray that someday I do learn how to put myself first and to realize that my purpose is to make one person happy in this world: ME. For now, just being aware that this happens is progress enough. It's truly painful though. If it was one of my friends who was treating themselves like I do, I would be incredibly pissed off and upset that it was happening. I would tell them that "yes, you can take a break from work, you deserve it." and "yes you can skip going to the gym tonight, you deserve it." and "yes, eating that fucking piece of pie, you deserve it." I would never allow them to constantly beat themselves up and deprive themselves of their wants/needs. I simply wouldn't. So why do I do it to myself? Because when you're taught that your purpose is to please someone else, not only does that tell you that your happiness and wants and needs don't matter; it also tells you that you're not worth anything. It kills your self esteem. No self-esteem, no regard for your needs, no regard for your own happiness=a very lonely, sad, and angry person. I'm working on it. Slowly.