Most Days...

Lately, most days I wake up in the morning (late morning) eat breakfast, and come right back upstairs and fall back asleep. I have attributed this to having to take Benadryl for some allergies lately, but I don't know that that's entirely true. It's becoming more clear to me that I really am depressed, I hate to admit it (because in doing so I feel weak) but it's the truth. Most days lately, it's hard to live with myself.
I feel lost, I feel alone...I feel like I don't where my life is going. I feel like in going through therapy right now and talking about the abuse and rapes...I have completely lost control of my life and of my sense of who I am. My brain is on overdrive, I can't figure out if I'm the scared little 8 year old girl being molested by her best friend's older brother, or if I'm the 18 year old girl being brainwashed by someone 14 years older than me, or if I'm the happy newlywed, or the girl that loves going to work every day....or if I'm the person I am at home-the one who mopes around and sleeps a lot. I just don't know.
What I can tell you is that it hurts to be alone lately. And not just physically alone, I mean mentally and emotionally alone as well. There is literally no one in this world that knows what I'm going through. They don't know how hard each day is for me, they don't know how deeply affected I am by what has happened to me in the past...no one really knows. That leaves me in a very lonely, separated place...I'm an outsider in my own world.
What pisses me off the most is that people think that I'm okay.
Would you be okay if all of a sudden you realized that not only had you been abused once, but twice?
Would you be okay if every day of your life you had to relive what happened to you years ago?
Would you be okay if you had flashbacks every day of horrible things that have happened?
Would you be okay if you had to live every day with the consequences of someone else's actions?
No.
So why do you all assume that I am.
Of course I'm going to smile. Of course I'm going to say that I'm okay when you ask. Do you voluntarily talk about things that are difficult in your life? Do you voluntarily stab yourself in the heart? No. Why do you expect me to?
I'm doing the work that I'm supposed to be doing.
Why isn't anyone else?