College has been a pain in my rear for the past year.
When I was doing general education classes at my local community college, I enjoyed those. I thoroughly enjoyed writing papers, researching things, learning about Sociology, Gerontology, Psychology...but now?
Now, I'm in nursing school. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. No one tells you how difficult the degree is until you're already knee deep in classes and homework. Not only do you have 17 credit hours of class to attend, you also have paperwork, studying and that part-time job to tend to. And if you're REALLY lucky? You'll find somewhere to fit in some time with your spouse. But that may just come at the expense of sleep and mental health.
Nursing school has destroyed my life. When I start classes, especially Clinical classes, I lose my mind. I forget what it is that I am capable of. I listen to the teachers tell me how much we're going to struggle and how hard the tests are. I let them get to me. I let former students tell me that studying for the tests is impossible, that the class is difficult...all this before letting myself have a chance to prove anything.
Another way it's destroyed my life? I get so uptight about everything. I am a perfectionist at heart, and when I don't sit down for that hour I had set aside to study, I freak out. I take it out on my poor husband. I let it ruin my day. And sometimes, I even let it ruin my desire to get back on track with homework/tasks/studying.
Nursing school brings more of a rise out of me than anything else. I have so little patience for it. Especially when I put all that I am and all that I have into it, with sometimes receiving very little in return. I can study for hours and hours for a test, and maybe pass with a C. I can put as much effort into clinical classes as I possibly can and maybe receive a "2" rating from the instructor for the day. How am I supposed to have energy leftover to do everything possible in clinicals when I am spending and investing so much time/energy into class outside of the clinical experience?
Not only does nursing school take away my social life, my mental health and time from my husband-this semester it is also serving as a great distraction from the things that I really should be focusing on, which would be everything I've been working through in therapy. Ideally, I would take this semester off-a medical leave of absence from the college-and focus on what needs to be taken care of. This would be my best option, I know. But for myself, I cannot get any more behind in school than I already am. I can't "drop the ball" on my education for a semester, knowing full well that I will lose my will and desire to continue afterwards.
The worst part is that in nursing school, you're being taught to advocate for patients, to make sure their needs are taken care of, make sure they have someone to talk to/confide in...what ever happened to us? As nursing students, we are constantly expected to give, give, give and give...we get nothing in return. The teachers flat out tell us to leave our problems at the door and focus on the tasks at hand.
With everything I've been working through in therapy the past few weeks, I've become extremely sensitive and vulnerable. Being in school right now, is probably the worst scenario possible. There really is no room for emotion when it comes to students, if you're going through something, you're taught to keep it to yourself. That's why whenever someone makes a harsh comment on something I've done, or criticizes me, it's hard for me to take it. Most of the time, I know the comments/criticism is made with best intentions, but when you're as sensitive as I am right now, there's no difference.
I'm hoping to make it through this semester with my sanity in tact, with my GPA improving from last semester and with having completed all my classes (not dropping any of them). This first week has been a little difficult, but I've stayed on top of my work and completed what I needed to. Only problem is, this is the first week, it's the easiest of them all...so the harsh truth is that it's only going downhill from here. I'm hoping and praying that I'm able to handle it all.
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