"Bad Day" Doesn't Even Describe It.

Whenever I hear someone complaining about their "bad day" I can't help but roll my eyes. I know that's incredibly pretentious of me. Of course I cannot make assumptions that I know my day was worse than theirs, that my life has been worse than theirs....but I can tell you one thing with certainty: my life has been more difficult than most. And every day that I wake up recently, is a bad day. How can you expect someone to have a "good day" when they are plagued with flashbacks and memories of sexual abuse and rape? My definition of a "good day" is one where I don't get caught up in those thoughts. A day where, for one brief moment, I feel genuinely happy. Of course, that moment is fleeting. As soon as I begin to feel any shred of happiness or joy wash over me, I find some way to ruin it. Why? It's uncomfortable. Yeah. You heard me. UNCOMFORTABLE. It's uncomfortable to be happy. How pathetic is that? I thought for sure that this meant I was certifiably crazy. But my therapist convinced me otherwise. So, what's the answer? Simply put: I've been taught (through these abusive experiences) that my purpose in life is to make other people happy. My happiness doesn't matter. Everyone else's does. And that's exactly how I've come to behave. I don't do things for myself any more. I will bend over backwards for you or anyone else, but at the end of the day if I need something....that doesn't matter. This explains a lot. It's why I constantly say "yes" to others' requests even at the expense of something I need to do for myself, I constantly make sure that I'm not hurting other people's feelings, I'm worried if people are mad at me, and on and on. The really f**ked up thing is: I don't know how to change this. I don't know how to realize that my purpose in life is to be happy. Not to "make others happy," but to be happy. For myself. How do you just suddenly start making yourself happy when you've never done this before? And you even feel extreme amounts of guilt for doing something that makes you happy? How are you supposed to cope with that? I don't know how long it will take, but I pray that someday I do learn how to put myself first and to realize that my purpose is to make one person happy in this world: ME. For now, just being aware that this happens is progress enough. It's truly painful though. If it was one of my friends who was treating themselves like I do, I would be incredibly pissed off and upset that it was happening. I would tell them that "yes, you can take a break from work, you deserve it." and "yes you can skip going to the gym tonight, you deserve it." and "yes, eating that fucking piece of pie, you deserve it." I would never allow them to constantly beat themselves up and deprive themselves of their wants/needs. I simply wouldn't. So why do I do it to myself? Because when you're taught that your purpose is to please someone else, not only does that tell you that your happiness and wants and needs don't matter; it also tells you that you're not worth anything. It kills your self esteem. No self-esteem, no regard for your needs, no regard for your own happiness=a very lonely, sad, and angry person. I'm working on it. Slowly.

Blame

For as long as I can remember, I've been the source of everyone else's blame. If the laundry wasn't done, it's because I didn't ask for it to be done. If my husband won't communicate with me, it's because I make it impossible for him to. If my parents haven't asked about my therapy for anorexia, it's because I don't ask them about what's going on in their life. If I don't want to go to the gym until late at night, it's my fault that my sister doesn't go because she doesn't want to go alone but doesn't want to go as late as I do. If some douchebag asshole is raping me on a weekly basis, it's because I asked for it. If he brainwashed me, it's because I let him. If I was molested when I was younger and now have to deal with the repercussions of that happening, it's because I didn't ask for help when I needed it. If I feel overwhelmed and anxious right now, it's because I won't let go of anything and trust God to help me. Guess what? Fuck you all. I am done being the target of everyone's blame. I've allowed it for years. I've let it slowly beat me down, further into the ground. I haven't objected to it because I haven't allowed myself to have a voice. But now? It's time for all of that to change. I refuse to sit and listen to someone blame me for something EVER AGAIN. Fuck it. --And for the people out there who are telling me that all I need to do in order to get out of this living hell, is to accept Christ into my heart. I appreciate your advice, but I really resent you for acting like you have any shred of an idea what my life is like right now. You can't even begin to imagine the evil things that have been done to me. You can't imagine what it's like to wake up, and want to throw up just knowing that you're you (with everything you have to deal with). You can't imagine how hard it is to have to struggle and work hard every day of your life, just to be OK. So do me a favor, and don't pretend like you get it.

To My Abusers.

Fuck you. You don't get any "greetings" or "salutations." As far as I'm concerned, you can rot in hell. Both of you. I'd like to start off by letting you both know that I pray for you every day. I pray that when the time comes (and I'd prefer it to be soon), you both spend eternity in hell. I pray that God punishes you in a way that you can't even comprehend. I pray that your souls spend eternity in pain, in pain greater than you've ever felt here on earth...in pain a thousand times greater than what you've put me through. Secondly, I'd like to let you both know that you're not going to win. You may have taken away parts of my childhood and my teenage years, but you will NOT take away the rest of my life. I will fight EACH AND EVERY DAY to make sure that I rise above what has been done to me. I will overcome the effects of your actions. I will place blame ONLY where it belongs (on the both of you). I will trust my family and friends again. I will have a healthy, happy, fulfilling and life-long marriage. I will find happiness. And, I WILL love myself. So, just because I'm struggling with these things right now...don't you dare think for one fucking minute that you have won. Because I am so much stronger than either of you could have ever imagined, and so much stronger than I even realize. And I WILL come out of this a better person. And I WILL break the chain of abuse. And I WILL get what I deserve in this life. Thirdly, I think you both are sorry ass fuckers. Who do you think you are destroying someone else's life? You selfish pigs. You did nothing but think about YOUR feelings, YOUR wants, YOUR needs and YOUR pain (which obviously played a part in inflicting pain on someone else). Of all the things in this world I've seen people do, what you two have done ranks the most selfish. As evidenced by your actions, you have absolutely no value for other human beings, especially women. According to you, I was just a piece of trash that could be used however you felt. And because of that, I have spent years treating myself that way. (THIS is changing.) You have not only committed crimes, you have committed sins. And for that, you will answer. I spend most of my days hoping that I will witness your answering to what you've each done, and sometimes even fantasizing that I will personally seek revenge (i.e. suing you both, wrecking your lives by coming out with these stories, punching you)...but I am better than that. You see, there are different types of victims. There are some that get so angry, they repeat the cycle of abuse themselves, there are some that are in so much pain they numb themselves with alcohol/drugs, there are some that go their whole lives without acknowledging what happened to them..and then there's me. I spend each day working through the repercussions of what you've done, because I know that it makes me stronger. And I know that each day that passes that I get up and don't give in to depression or anger...I am defying you both. So kiss my ass. It pisses me off to know that you both are out there, somewhere in this city enjoying your lives. I imagine that because you are such horrible excuses for men, you are able to live with yourself just fine. You can go through the day and not think about what you did to me, not think about how you committed crimes/sins, and just live your life as if nothing happened. This makes me mad. It is ridiculously unfair that you are able to do this, and I'm the one stuck with all the work. I'm the one who has to analyze all of this and make sense of things. You do the damage, I pick up the pieces. It pisses me off. Fuck you both, and screw you both to hell and back. You may have though that you prey-ed on the right person, you may have thought that I was some weakling, someone with no self-esteem who keeps to herself and would likely never rise about what you've done. But you're fucking wrong. I am a fighter. I will fight each day, and I will make sure that you do not WIN. I will make sure that you do not control the rest of my life. And I know that God will make sure that you both answer to what you've done. For now, Fuck off assholes.

Ripping the Band-Aid Off.

This work that I'm doing in therapy every week? It's literally killing me on the inside. It's work that I need to do, and it's work that I've needed to do for a while, but it's something that I've been avoiding because of how painful I knew it would be. Never in my wildest dreams though, did I imagine it would hurt this bad. I wake up in the morning and my heart is already heavy. I don't get a clean slate anymore (for the time being). I wake up knowing that I'm processing through these things RIGHT NOW and dealing with them RIGHT NOW. I don't get a break from the pain. Honestly, now I can understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol when they go through this...it hurts. It hurts like a motherfucker. It hurts to my core. And I can guarantee you, the people that turn to drugs/alcohol...they don't hurt as much...for a brief shining moment. It feels like my heart is a large, open, gaping wound in which salt is constantly poured onto. BUT...I will not turn to alcohol or drugs...because in my heart, I truly believe that people who go through as much as I have and do it the "right" way, they have amazing and beautiful things in store for them. That's my hope at least. It's what gets me through each day. When the flashbacks and processing thoughts start to overwhelm me and I'm tempted to just stop this work, I remind myself of this belief. If I can just keep going, life on the "other side" will be beautiful. And all of this pain, all of this hard work, all of the sacrifices I've made...they will all be acknowledged and I will be rewarded for them. As for right now though...all I can say is that it hurts. I fight myself, my mind, EVERY DAY just to feel okay. It shouldn't be this much work. I shouldn't have to expend this much energy on just surviving every day. And when I look around and see people who are genuinely happy (without effort)...it makes me mad. I get angry because it isn't fair that I'm in this position, and I get sad because I feel that I'm missing out on something. There is so much anger, hurt and frustration built up inside me...it scares me. I fear that I will just snap at some point. One last thing I want to say: this is NOT fair. My life has not been fair. What I'm going through: that's not fair. Being in horrendous emotional pain every day: that's not fair. It's not fair. I know that sounds very "whine-y" but fuck it...I deserve to whine and complain. I've kept quiet for too long.

Most Days...

Lately, most days I wake up in the morning (late morning) eat breakfast, and come right back upstairs and fall back asleep. I have attributed this to having to take Benadryl for some allergies lately, but I don't know that that's entirely true. It's becoming more clear to me that I really am depressed, I hate to admit it (because in doing so I feel weak) but it's the truth. Most days lately, it's hard to live with myself.
I feel lost, I feel alone...I feel like I don't where my life is going. I feel like in going through therapy right now and talking about the abuse and rapes...I have completely lost control of my life and of my sense of who I am. My brain is on overdrive, I can't figure out if I'm the scared little 8 year old girl being molested by her best friend's older brother, or if I'm the 18 year old girl being brainwashed by someone 14 years older than me, or if I'm the happy newlywed, or the girl that loves going to work every day....or if I'm the person I am at home-the one who mopes around and sleeps a lot. I just don't know.
What I can tell you is that it hurts to be alone lately. And not just physically alone, I mean mentally and emotionally alone as well. There is literally no one in this world that knows what I'm going through. They don't know how hard each day is for me, they don't know how deeply affected I am by what has happened to me in the past...no one really knows. That leaves me in a very lonely, separated place...I'm an outsider in my own world.
What pisses me off the most is that people think that I'm okay.
Would you be okay if all of a sudden you realized that not only had you been abused once, but twice?
Would you be okay if every day of your life you had to relive what happened to you years ago?
Would you be okay if you had flashbacks every day of horrible things that have happened?
Would you be okay if you had to live every day with the consequences of someone else's actions?
No.
So why do you all assume that I am.
Of course I'm going to smile. Of course I'm going to say that I'm okay when you ask. Do you voluntarily talk about things that are difficult in your life? Do you voluntarily stab yourself in the heart? No. Why do you expect me to?
I'm doing the work that I'm supposed to be doing.
Why isn't anyone else?

Exhausted

This semester has been nothing short of long. I have come home almost everyday from work or school just to face more homework or studying. There is nothing I want more than to be done with the semester, and to get the exams and assignments done as soon as possible in order for that to happen, but right now: I have no energy. Twice this week I've cancelled taking a test, so now I'll have to take an extra one next week. And what did I do instead of studying and taking the test? I just laid around at home. Watching TV, indulging in some internet browsing, sleeping...all things that I could've done next week when everything was done, but I decided to rest now and do the schoolwork then. Why?
I am SO exhausted.
So worn out.
I don't have anything else to give to school this semester. But somehow, someway, I'm going to need to find the energy to finish up the last few things. God help me.

"In college, you learn how to learn. Four years is not too much time to spend at that."

College has been a pain in my rear for the past year.
When I was doing general education classes at my local community college, I enjoyed those. I thoroughly enjoyed writing papers, researching things, learning about Sociology, Gerontology, Psychology...but now?
Now, I'm in nursing school. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. No one tells you how difficult the degree is until you're already knee deep in classes and homework. Not only do you have 17 credit hours of class to attend, you also have paperwork, studying and that part-time job to tend to. And if you're REALLY lucky? You'll find somewhere to fit in some time with your spouse. But that may just come at the expense of sleep and mental health.
Nursing school has destroyed my life. When I start classes, especially Clinical classes, I lose my mind. I forget what it is that I am capable of. I listen to the teachers tell me how much we're going to struggle and how hard the tests are. I let them get to me. I let former students tell me that studying for the tests is impossible, that the class is difficult...all this before letting myself have a chance to prove anything.
Another way it's destroyed my life? I get so uptight about everything. I am a perfectionist at heart, and when I don't sit down for that hour I had set aside to study, I freak out. I take it out on my poor husband. I let it ruin my day. And sometimes, I even let it ruin my desire to get back on track with homework/tasks/studying.
Nursing school brings more of a rise out of me than anything else. I have so little patience for it. Especially when I put all that I am and all that I have into it, with sometimes receiving very little in return. I can study for hours and hours for a test, and maybe pass with a C. I can put as much effort into clinical classes as I possibly can and maybe receive a "2" rating from the instructor for the day. How am I supposed to have energy leftover to do everything possible in clinicals when I am spending and investing so much time/energy into class outside of the clinical experience?
Not only does nursing school take away my social life, my mental health and time from my husband-this semester it is also serving as a great distraction from the things that I really should be focusing on, which would be everything I've been working through in therapy. Ideally, I would take this semester off-a medical leave of absence from the college-and focus on what needs to be taken care of. This would be my best option, I know. But for myself, I cannot get any more behind in school than I already am. I can't "drop the ball" on my education for a semester, knowing full well that I will lose my will and desire to continue afterwards.
The worst part is that in nursing school, you're being taught to advocate for patients, to make sure their needs are taken care of, make sure they have someone to talk to/confide in...what ever happened to us? As nursing students, we are constantly expected to give, give, give and give...we get nothing in return. The teachers flat out tell us to leave our problems at the door and focus on the tasks at hand.
With everything I've been working through in therapy the past few weeks, I've become extremely sensitive and vulnerable. Being in school right now, is probably the worst scenario possible. There really is no room for emotion when it comes to students, if you're going through something, you're taught to keep it to yourself. That's why whenever someone makes a harsh comment on something I've done, or criticizes me, it's hard for me to take it. Most of the time, I know the comments/criticism is made with best intentions, but when you're as sensitive as I am right now, there's no difference.
I'm hoping to make it through this semester with my sanity in tact, with my GPA improving from last semester and with having completed all my classes (not dropping any of them). This first week has been a little difficult, but I've stayed on top of my work and completed what I needed to. Only problem is, this is the first week, it's the easiest of them all...so the harsh truth is that it's only going downhill from here. I'm hoping and praying that I'm able to handle it all.