Crossroads

It's hard to imagine that in 3 weeks of therapy, one could go from being ready to get well and dive right into treatment to being so completely done with it that they're ready to throw in the towel and give up. That's where I'm at.
Part of me really wants to stop therapy/treatment. I want to stop eating the 'point system' diet. I want to stop eating so much food. I want to stop going to therapy to and talking about difficult things. I want to stop finding new things to bring up in therapy and work through. I want to stop doing 'homework' for therapy. I want to stop having to count the number of times I weigh myself. I want to just STOP.
It would be so easy to go back to the way things were just a few weeks ago. Eating only fruits and vegetables, eating only when I was hungry. Working out every day of the week. Weighing myself whenever I wanted to. But most importantly: feeling like I was in control.
Obviously, I wasn't in control. No one in their right mind can possibly in control of their life when they are barely eating enough to sustain life, working out every day of the week, weighing themselves upwards of 6 times a day, obsessing over every little calorie consumed, etc. Logic and reason tell me that I wasn't in control back then, and I'm still not in complete control right now, but at least I'm at a healthier place in life than I was just a few weeks ago.
But to a person with an eating disorder, restricting foods, counting calories, over-exercising, constantly weighing oneself-those are ways in which they are made to feel in control. And at least a few weeks ago, my weight was a little bit more stable that it is right now. At least I wasn't GAINING weight-the one thing I didn't want to do.
I want to get better. I want to be able to go through a day and if I'm not feeling up to exercising or don't have the energy, to not make myself go. I want to be able to eat normally and not feel guilty about it or feel like I have to run to the gym at the first opportune moment to make up for it. I want to be able to get through the day without weighing myself-or THINKING about weighing myself or what it is I weigh at the moment. I want to be able to get rid of my scale, to smash it into a million fucking pieces. I want to go out to eat on my birthday this year-which is in only a few short weeks-and eat whatever it is I want to eat and not think about the calories or potential weight gain, or go to the gym that day. I want to just enjoy the day, to simply exist and be thankful that I've lived another year. I want to get better and I want things to change.
But I don't know if I want those things right now.