Treatment: Day 1

Tuesday (yesterday) August 2nd was to be the first day of my treatment. I was supposed to go every day for a week from 8am to 6pm to this treatment facility and work on my eating disorder. To be included in this was group therapy sessions, grocery shopping outings, meal preparations, controlled meal plans, and some individual therapy sessions mixed with nutrition sessions. I was not excited about spending 10 hours a day at a strange place with strange people talking about MY problem, but I was willing to give it a try.
I woke up Tuesday morning, at 7:15 am, somewhat ready to take on this challenge. I told God that whatever would happen, I wanted him to carry me through this and help me to know what was best for me. I asked him to give me the strength and patience to try this treatment out and to put a good effort into it. I didn't want to fail the several people I had told this to, so I was going to give it my all.
When I got there, we sat in a big sunroom and waited for instruction. I was told that if I wanted to use the bathroom, I would have to ask to have it cleaned and flushed before I went because as participants in treatment, we were not allowed to flush the toilet after having used it. This was the first red flag I had. Do you know how demeaning it is to have your visits to the bathroom controlled? I can understand something like that being necessary for a bullemic, but what was the point of me being involved in that when I don't purge?
I was also given a point system and a certain number of points that I had to eat throughout the day. Each person's allotment was different, I was told, and we would all be varying the meals to fit our needs. My point total for the day was 22. For breakfast, I would have to eat 5 points worth of food. They had made an egg casserole for everyone, and that was to be 3.5 points. So I had 1.5 leftover, but I had to eat it then and there. So I added a banana for a point and half a cup of apple juice for 0.5 points. Guess what? I wasn't hungry enough for all of this crap. I don't get hungry until at least 1 or 2pm. And after that, I eat pretty consistently until about 9pm. Why was I being forced to eat when I wasn't hungry?
We all had to sit down and stay at the dinner table until everyone else was done eating. Did anyone bother to ask me anything during that time? Nope. I sat there and listened to other girls talk about things that had gone on the day/weeks before, to them talking about their favorite TV shows (I don't have cable, I have no opinion to offer on this) and to talk about vacations they had recently taken. No one really asked my name or introduced themselves, no one asked me how I was or for any background information, it was just me sitting there listening to them talk. Even the director of the day program who was sitting with us didn't say anything to me. Way to make me feel welcome.
Not only did that make me feel like an outsider, but the fact that I probably weighed the most of anyone else there, and the fact that they were all suffering from either anorexia or bullemia, that also made me feel like an outsider. Why was I in the same program as people who were infinitely more sick than I was? Guess what? I felt like I was back in the psych ward at Immanuel (like I had been back in 2004 for depression). I was somewhere I didn't belong, I was being thrown into a situation which called for treatment that was much more intense than I needed. Only this time, I was an adult and I had the say in what happened.
After breakfast we started group therapy sessions. They were not at all helpful to me. We did some kind of thought therapy which bored me to my core. During this time, I was beginning to stew up my argument and reasoning for leaving the program. After the first group therapy session was over, it was snack time. Seriously? We had just eating an hour ago and I wasn't even close to being hungry! Well, for snack I was allotted 2 points. I grabbed a pudding cup which clocked in at 120 calories, or 1.5 points. I thought this would be close enough to 2 and that I wouldn't have to hear anything about it. NOPE. I had to find something else to add in the last 0.5 points. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm pretty sure I won't die if I don't eat that last half a point-especially because I was NOT hungry. But I had to take 7 crackers and eat those as well. Meanwhile, I had barely drank anything that day, no one had told me where the glasses/water/etc was. I just did what I could with where I knew things were. Maybe I should make a suggestion to them for the program. The first day you have someone come in to the program, you should probably start out with giving them a tour of everything, introducing them to everyone, etc. Not just throwing them into it and hoping for the best.
After snack was some alone time. I filled out a questionnaire, had my vital signs taken, was weighed (p.s. weighing your patients every day in an eating disorder treatment program is retarded. I thought the point was to get people to stop worrying/thinking about their weight and to stop them from constantly weighing themselves?) and then I read my book for a little bit. Or at least acted like that's what I was doing. I was really thinking about a plan to get out of this, coming up with all the valid reasons why this program wasn't going to work for me. Meanwhile I was also texting my husband, letting him know what my thought process was. I was glad to know that he supported me 100%.
After the leisure time, it was lunch. Seriously? It's like 11:30 and you're forcing us all to eat lunch? What if I'm not hungry? Whatever happened to only eating when you're hungry and listening to your bodys' cues?? That's what I had been taught to do when I started losing weight, now I'm being forced to eat on command?
BLT's were on the menu for lunch. That was fine with me, I had actually been craving one for most of the summer and just hadn't gotten around to having one. The problem was, you had to have Mayo on the sandwich. Problem being: I had my gallbladder removed 2 years ago and since then, I don't handle things with high amounts of fat like Mayo and Peanut Butter. But was it an option? Seemingly not. One of the other girls asked if we had to put the Mayo on our sandwiches and the director said yes. So I kept my mouth shut. Don't get me wrong, I loved the way Mayo tasted on the BLT, but I had a lot of paying to do for it afterwards. It upsets my stomach and intestines a lot. 2 slices of turkey bacon: 1pt. 2 slices of bread: 2pt. 1 tablespoon of mayo: 1 pt. 1 slice of jello cake: 0.5 pts. I had to add a half cup of milk to my meal to equal the 5 pts I was allotted. I ate slow, everyone else ate so slow, I didn't want to be the fat ass that finished everything first. Once again at the table, everyone was talking about things that didn't involve a newcomer. No one asked me anything. I stayed quiet.
By the way, in the program description and having talked to the therapist about what would be included in the program before starting, we were supposed to be involved with meal preparation. Well, breakfast was made for us before we got there. Snacks were straight out of a box. Lunch was made for us (the turkey bacon was cooked for us, the vegetables were cut for us) and the jello cake was already made as well. If I'm supposed to be learning or re-learning meal preparation, where is the preparation of meals going to come in? I realize I had only been there for 2 meals, but the egg casserole would have been easy to help with and at least cutting vegetables and preparing the cake to be baked would've been easy to help with as well!
After lunch we had another group therapy. This one: Relapse Prevention. I participated in this one just to give it a shot and say that I had tried. But honestly, in my head I was mocking this. How can you possibly talk to me or teach me about preventing relapse when I haven't even begun to be treated? I had walked in that morning, been told what to eat against my will, sat and listened to one group therapy session and what? All of a sudden you're ready to teach me about how to prevent a relapse? As far as I'm concerned, that is weeks if not months ahead of schedule for me. Another suggestion I should make to the program: individualize and plan things better. Obviously some of the group therapy sessions could work for multiple patients, but some of them do not pertain to everyone at that moment or at all. So why subject everyone to them? Why waste someone's time with them who doesn't need it at all or at least not yet?
Thankfully after this pointless group therapy session I was called back to a session with the therapist by myself. When I got in there, I was relieved to hear her ask me how the day was going. And to my surprise, I let her know just what I thought. Obviously, I was much nicer about it than I had wanted to be, but I was completely honest about my opinions. I told her everything that I didn't agree with, I told her my concerns, I told her that I didn't feel this was right for me.
What is right for you?
Well, how about you and everyone else let me try and handle this problem with a less intense treatment first? I never got the chance to do that when I was thrown into the psych ward unneccesarily. I think I deserve it now. I told her I'd do therapy sessions weekly as well as meet with the Dietician every once in a while. They still urged me and recommended me to stay and try out the day program. "At least give it a week?" First of all, it's $300 for the entire week. If I am this sick of the program and this unwilling to sit around and do what you want me to do and get treatment on YOUR terms, why should I waste $300 of hard earned money to stay the rest of the week? If I have a strong feeling that something isn't right for me, it's usually right. And I'm not willing to throw away $300 to prove that to you. Because guess what? It's MY time, MY money, MY life, MY treatment. If I'm not invested in it, it's a waste of resources anyways.
I also assured her that it was not okay for me to be sitting around all day for 10 hours when there was so much more I needed/wanted to get done before school started up again. My husband and I have only been married for 3 months and I want to be able to spend some time with him before I go back to school, I want to make the most of the rest of my summer. And sitting around all day, talking to strangers and listening to stuff that doesn't pertain to me? That's not acceptable to me. She told me that it's a common complaint among clients that they aren't doing anything during the day, that they aren't getting up and being active, rather just sitting around and focusing on treatment. She said a lot of people with eating disorders are always on the go. So? What's wrong with that? It sure as hell beats sitting on my ass all day! Not to mention, there are serious health risks of doing that. It is infinitely better to get up and do things throughout the day than to sit around.
Anyways, I ended up leaving around 3pm. Right before "snack time." Thank God. I was so stuffed with food it wasn't funny. Not to mention at any second the Mayo from lunch was going to ignite a war with my digestive system and I didn't want to be anywhere BUT home for it. I left quietly, no one asked me any questions. To be honest, I don't think they remembered my name. As soon as I got out that door and into my car to drive away, I felt a huge sense of relief and of peace. I had finally spoken up for myself and my health, I had demanded treatment as I desired, and that's what I was going to be getting. Twice weekly therapy sessions, starting this Friday. I had finally stuck it to everyone who had forced me into things I didn't want to do the last time. I finally had a voice.
When I got home, I cried when I went to the bathroom. Do you know how freeing it is to do things like that without being monitored/watched over? It's great to flush the toilet by yourself and not to have to ask someone to go in and flush it for you. Even though I was only there 7 hours yesterday, it was an imprisoned 7 hours. The fact that I spoke up for myself and got out of a situation I knew wasn't right for me, it gives me the knowledge that I have the strength to do what is right for me. And because of the fact that no one thinks I'll be successful with treatment by my definition, I'm going to work hard and kick ass. I'm going to show them that I'm right. I'm going to prove them wrong.